Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
You Might Also Like
What?
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.