Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
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I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?