So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
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“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.