We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
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They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
SCARY COSTUME
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…