It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
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I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
LOOOOOOL
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.