My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
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Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
no cat here
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.