Encore…
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Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this