[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
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Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
IT’S-A ME,
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.