Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
You Might Also Like
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Thrilling chase underway
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Monday
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”