What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
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‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Me My dog
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Awwwww shit.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?