They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
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Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.