My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
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Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Basically.
decorating my apartment
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.