My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
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Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?