I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”