Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
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The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.