She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
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I’ve had relationships like this
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Don’t touch that.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.