If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
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“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
very niche meme I made
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down