Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
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Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
My dad teaching me to drive
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.