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me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Made something I’m not proud of
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.