My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
cat vs inanimate object
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Super Hand Dog Face
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”