ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
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MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Pizza is an emotion right?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
mmm onion ringos
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.