I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
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Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.