Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
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Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left