When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
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70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend