[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
You Might Also Like
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]