If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
You Might Also Like
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods