Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
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Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.