Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
You Might Also Like
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I just tested negative for patience.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?