My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
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[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.