people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
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Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
no one ever comes back
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word