Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
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if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.