The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
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Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow