kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
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Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
i did the math
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no