Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
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*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.