HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
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The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.