Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
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how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.