If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
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“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726