When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
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airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
What is going on? 😅
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.