librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
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A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
If looks could kill
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.