What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
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Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.