Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
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*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.