Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
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[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Oh my God.