Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
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Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Sending in my taxes
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig: