I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
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Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
my retirement plan is braless
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.