You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
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Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
My love language is hissing.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle