Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
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I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Tammy is short for Tamuel
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.