SF is the wild wild west man
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The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
#SuperBowl