Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
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Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*