I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
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Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?