I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
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Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Comparing yourself to others
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Sounds like a bargain
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?